Dr Reid, profiler, or stud
by mabelreid
Summary: “Now stop complaining Dr Reid, and do it for the good of your country.” one shot no spoiler. Dr Reid has a problem!


**A/n there are several stories out there with JJ, or another character pregnant by Spencer, of which I am an enthusiastic contributor. So I wrote this to make fun of all of them including my own. Thanks to REIDFANATIC for giving me the seed of an idea that sprouted in my fevered imagination, and became this nonsense you see before you.**

Spencer carefully opened one eye, and then another. Spring had sprung, and that meant the light peeking around the blinds in his bedroom was brighter, and earlier everyday. He looked at the clock, damn it was only seven am, and it was a Sunday. He sat up, and cursed the sun, what right did it have to wake him so early on his only day off in two weeks. Well now that he was awake, he might as well get up.

He was in the middle of pulling a tee shirt over his head, when there was a sound from his living room. It was soft, and he couldn't identify it, but he knew it didn't belong in his apartment, not when he was supposed to be alone. He picked his holster up, and removed his Glock. He thumbed off the safety as he moved quietly out the door, and down the hallway.

He reminded himself not to panic, after all it could be any number of things, his cat could have knocked something over, or maybe a window was open, and the breeze knocked something over. He was nearly to the living room, when the cat ran around the corner, and nearly tripped him. He stopped when the cat ran between his legs, and he heard the sound again. It was newspaper shuffling. He put his back to the wall, and stepping over the cat, peered around the corner. Someone sat in his favorite chair reading yesterdays newspaper.

"Don't be shy Dr Reid; it's your living room, why don't you sit down."

Disarmed by the reasonable tone in the person's voice, a female voice, he turned, stepped into the room, and put his gun down on the end table.

"Who are you? How did you get in here?" He was proud of himself for maintaining an even tone without a tremble. There had to be a logical explanation, surely a woman wasn't hear to harm him.

The paper stayed in its upright position, covering the face of the person in the chair, even so the voice was familiar. He couldn't place it.

"All in good time Dr Reid. You'll know everything when I want to tell you."

He took several steps toward her, and away from his gun; he still thought this was some kind of joke. The newspaper lowered, and he saw who was behind it.

"Oh it's you, how did you get into my apartment, and what do you want?"

He was becoming really annoyed at her lack of answers to his reasonable questions. He didn't like the way she was looking at him, and was beginning to regret putting his gun down. She was his next door neighbor, and a fellow FBI agent, although not a profiler. She had raven black hair, and bright blue eyes, a combination he'd always found appealing, until now.

"Don't worry Spencer… I'm not here to hurt you."

She gestured toward the couch, and he sat down. Maybe Hotch had sent her here, but if that was so, why had she broken into his apartment, he assumed she had anyway. He was kicking himself again, for not putting in the alarm system Morgan badgered him about at least twice a week.

"You see Dr Reid, I'm thirty nine years old, and I'm an FBI Agent, so most people think I'm a lesbian. I've never been married, and do you know how hard it is to find a decent man in DC?

_Was that a rhetorical question, or did she expect an answer, because he had no idea how hard it was to find a good man in DC. He'd never looked. _

"Ah - Ms Wilcox I don't -"

"Linda… Spencer… please, call me Linda, we're going to be very close, and we should call each other by our first names, don't you think?"She smiled reasonably at him.

_Close… what did she mean by close?_

She moved over to the couch, sat down right next to him, and ran a finger up his bare arm. She smelled like roses, and the short black skirt she wore, rode up to her mid thighs when she moved closer to him.

_Oh… that's what she means by close. _

"Ms Wilcox I-" He couldn't believe this, he'd never done the slightest thing to encourage her.

"Spencer I told you to call me Linda." Her pale pink lips pouted just a bit, and then before he could stop her she was kissing him, her tongue pushing against his lips. She was nearly in his lap, and he tried to push her away.

"Hey bitch get off him, he's mine!" Linda pulled away, and almost fell of the couch. Spencer looked over to see Lila Archer standing there eating a chocolate bar. He'd never been so relived to see anyone in his life.

_Yeah, but how did she get in, and why is she looking at you like that_? _Did she just say "he's mine?" _

Lila made her way to the couch with an exaggerated sway in her hips, she slowly licked the chocolate off one index finger, and pushed Linda away with the other hand. Over the other woman's protests, she straddled Reid, and kissed him, running her hands through his hair, and transferring the taste of chocolate to his mouth.

"What the hell is going on, get your hands off him."

Both women pulled away from him for a moment, and he saw JJ standing where Lila had stood a moment before. She was glaring at both women, and oddly enough she was eating peas out of a blue earthenware bowl. She put the bowl on the end table next to the gun he so stupidly given up. She wore a pair of black lace little boy briefs, and a black lace pushup bra.

He wasn't surprised, alarmed, but not shocked when she pushed Lila to the hardwood floor, and took her place on Spencer's lap. He'd had lots of fantasies of just this scenario, but never involving an audience. Besides this wasn't JJ she wouldn't just show up in his place nearly naked, and sit on his lap.

"What the hell is going on, why are you all here?" He was trying to be calm but having JJ on his lap, and the other two biting, and kissing various parts of his anatomy was distracting him.

_You have three great looking woman trying to get in your pants, go with it Dr Reid._

_No this isn't right, something is wrong!_

"Um… JJ," he managed to pry her lips away from his, "why are you doing this." She looked so upset at this question that he nearly apologized, but then he thought

_Wait why should I apologize, they are the ones that showed up uninvited I should - _

"Spencer, don't you remember, you promised me I could be first." She smiled coyly, and ran a hand down his chest to his belt. "I know you love me Spencer, so just relax."

"First for what," He didn't want to, but he pushed her hand away from his nether regions. What had he promised her?

"You remember you bad boy, the experiment, we're going to have a beautiful little baby that looks just like his daddy, and he'll be a genius I just know it." JJ smiled encouragingly at him.

"JJ have you lost your mind, I am not going to -" Oh he couldn't say it. Her blue eyes turned dark with rage.

"You promised all of us Spencer, but I'm first."

She couldn't be serious, but looking at the nodding women he realized they thought that he was going to impregnate all of them, right then and now. How had this happened, he didn't remember getting drunk or high, so what was going on. The women had resumed there attentions to him, and he knew he'd have to take one of them or explode.

He tried one last time to remove JJ from his lap; he twisted his head away from her questing mouth, and saw Gideon sitting in the easy chair on the other side of the room.

_Oh thank God, he'll help me, won't he? _

"Gideon, a little help here," He pleaded with his boss, who was sipping coffee, and looking utterly serene.

"Gideon please," JJ's hands were on his belt again.

"An attractive, virile young man like you doesn't need my help with these lovely women. Besides, you volunteered for this project, and it's your genes they want. I'm only here to observe for scientific purposes of course."

"But Gideon -"

"Now stop complaining Dr Reid, and do it for the good of your country."

"Gideon please," His boss was ignoring him. This had to be a dream, it couldn't be real. He closed his eyes, and concentrated on that hope, that it was all a dream.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He risked opening his eyes, and realized that the women and Gideon were gone; instead he stood in front of his apartment building. A crowd of people stood shouting at him, flash bulbs were going off, and cameras observed his every move.

"Dr Reid how does it feel to be -"

"Dr Reid why did you volunteer for this great -"

"Dr. Reid, can you tell us how -"

"Dr Reid, how will you -"

"Dr Reid!

Reporters shouted questions over each other. _Why were they here, what in hell was going on?_

"Dr Reid has the experiment started, what can you tell us about the lucky young women who've volunteered to bare your children?"

"Ladies and Gentleman, please one at a time I am sure that Dr Reid will answer all of the questions in a moment." It was JJ; she was fully dressed and looking just as she did when they had a press conference for a case. She smiled winked at him, and turned back to address the crowd of reporters.

He noticed that Hotch stood next to him; thank God he would tell him what was going on. "Hotch, what's all this, I'm at home sleeping peacefully, and the next thing I know - '

"Reid… hush… JJ is talking, and stop pretending you don't know what is going on, after all you volunteered, so be serious would you."

He was seriously taken aback at the other agents tone, Hotch normally only spoke to him like that if he'd been spouting off useless knowledge no one cared about. He decided to listen to what JJ had to say; maybe she would clear things up.

"I'll make a brief statement, and then Dr Reid will answer your questions."

_I will… how can I when I don't know what is going on, except that a bunch of people think that I'm going to - _

He couldn't complete the thought, it was too terrible to envision!

"This project was the brain child of the distinguished Dr Stephen Hawking. It was his feeling that the DNA of one super smart individual could be passed on to many children, and a generation of geniuses created. Just imagine a whole group of genius doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc. How about super smart fry cooks, everyone could go to drive up windows, and never again receive the wrong order."

The crown of reporters went wild, cheering and cat calling. Finally the problem of a messed up order of fast food had been solved!

Spencer was appalled, was this all people cared about, what about world peace, or the problems of pollution, or -

_Wait big boy, why are you thinking like this, you're having a nightmare, and you need to wake up now_!

He noticed that everyone was looking at him, and they began to shout questions to him again. JJ was motioning to him to come forward, and he shook his head. He tried to back away, and leave this place but he was blocked by Lila, and several other women that were eyeing him with interest. He realized he'd better run, or they might try to do what JJ, and Lila, and his neighbor had already tried. He tried to find a way out of the crowd, but it was too late. He was surrounded by women, and they began to argue amongst them selves about who was first.

"Ladies please I don't -" They turned on him, and he was pushed, and pulled from all directions his clothes ripping, and tearing. He fell down on the concrete, and -

_Come on Spencer… wake up… it's a dream!_

His eyes flew open, and he was relieved to see it was still dark. He reached over to turn on the light next to his bed, and saw the clock read three seventeen am. His cat leapt up on the bed, and he held her in his arms. He stroked her back till his breathing slowed, and his heart rate returned to normal. The cat was starting to purr, and she stared at Reid with her yellow eyes.

"What a terrible dream Leia, that's the last time I watch reruns of Buffy before I go to bed!"


End file.
